Jay's Blog

Yea so today I did something that surprised myself, I admitted to being in love with the impossible, now the hardest part of admitting this was not simply saying “I’m in love with the impossible” no it was admitting it to the impossible knowing that it would open myself all the way and available for pain and hurt.

Doing something you know is going to hurt is really hard… don’t belive me? Try slamming a car door on your own hand… you can’t can you? This may not be exactly the same but in retrospect it is… Now what is harder is admitting to this and still not acting on it, yet instead passing on information that not only will help the impossible stay impossible but become more improbable.

Have you ever had an ex, that was with someone else but you still really cared for this person yet you know without a doubt that it will never be again, and then find yourself in a spot that you need to help this person with their current relationship and you know that your action/inaction plays a role in their happiness so you decide to do the noble thing and truly help to keep the one you’re still in love with together with the other. This is my dilemma but I am proud of myself now I finally put someone’s feelings before my own and it feels good although it still hurts as well.

A special note to all the guys out there, Act on your feelings … don’t act your feelings, and if you don’t understand this statement then perhaps you truly don’t deserve something that is as wonderful in your life as what is sitting right in front of you and are oblivious to ….

Well the last two days/nights have been full of thoughts and questions, most I have found answers to but still a few linger. I started thinking about my past and trying to learn from my mistakes and trying to understand where my destiny was leading me and have found some interesting conclusions. First of all my most pending situation, matters of the heart … pondering upon my life with Angela I noticed that a lot had happened in our lives together and all of which I believe now was supposed to bring us closer together and yet it ended up tearing us apart.

Imagine looking back and seeing opportunity to grow as a unit and the ability to compliment each others existence and yet you don’t kind of sucks believe me I know. I used to think that my biggest regret was losing her, now I see that my biggest regret is giving her up because that is exactly what I did by not opening my eyes and seizing the opportunities that lay before me in my past, taking her for granted; and not seeing that she was always there for me no matter what; and yet probably the most severe inaction of all not loving her as much as I know I did at the time. If there was 1 thing in this life I could redo or at least remove so as to remove the pain I have caused would be this. There is only one thing in the entire world that I can find that is worse than intentionally hurting someone… and that is to hurt someone through inaction. Inaction is probably the root of all evil and pain but the funny thing about inaction you not only hurt the ones you part with inaction but you also deem yourself to endless amounts of pain.

The second issue I found an answer to is that I do have a problem, well a few actually but only one of these can cause a chain reaction to the rest, no it’s not the fact that I am bi-polar; though I am, it’s not the fact that I take so much in this world for granted; though I do, it’s not the fact that I dream way too big, though I do. It’s simply the fact that I have gone through life with closed eyes, I used to say that I was one who would always stop to smell a rose yet I don’t and this is what I want to do yet have forgotten how, I had someone that was helping me to learn again but through inaction and stupidity I gave her up.

So take my words here see if they apply to you and if so change now before you regret your entire life as I do, life is not worth living if all you have is regret. My punishment for the regret is now being served.